I Hit It and Quite It, Larry. I Hit It and Quit It

1. No, They Can’t

Imagine you are Ann Nixon Cooper, a black woman born in 1902. Her family was suffering the horrors of slavery and prejudice. As a woman, she couldn’t even think about voting. Imagine the feeling, then, when finally this basic liberty was hers.

Cooper has, in addition, witnessed America’s GDP soar from $24.2 billion to $14.31 trillion dollars but, unfortunately, has had to live through multiple major economic collapses and the rise of fanny packs as a popular clothing item at the same time. (Is there really a more disgusting sight than two parents at Disney World sweating it out with their ice cream cones and fat kids as they all sit there wearing fanny packs? Probably not.)

Anyway, Cooper has seen a lot of change in her lifetime, and after Barack Obama’s historic presidential victory, probably more than she could have ever imagined. Obama’s triumph is a continuation of the transformative, progressive changes this country is known and admired for.

But here at OnFire, we refuse to buy into the mindless adoration of the president-elect. Instead, his election got us thinking about what things will actually never change:

• The Chicago Cubs’ loser mentality. Seriously, it’s been more than 100 years now and the Cubs haven’t won a World Series. In 1908, they came off their third straight World Series title. The Civil Rights Act wouldn’t be passed for 56 more years. Who honestly could have imagined desegregation before another title on the north side? Apparently, the Cubs didn’t get the memo that it’s OK to believe in yourself.

• The WNBA has never been popular — and that’s an understatement. You want to know why? It’s boring basketball. We’re sorry, but if your entire game is defined by slow-paced, half-court offense and three-point shooting as opposed to superstar dunking and up-tempo, full-court running, no one will watch you. Let’s just say that no one watches “Hoosiers” for the quality of the basketball. As in “Seinfeld,” the only time anyone pays attention to female athletics is in the event of a catfight.

• We just feel bad for the Los Angeles Clippers. They are like the younger child who excels at cello and can recite Shakespeare fluently in a city that loves football and beer pong. Meanwhile, your frat-tastic older brother is the starting QB with a hot girlfriend. The Clippers have always been that younger child who never got any attention. They have made the playoffs just seven times since 1970 and have begun this season 0-4. Guess some things never change.

• And finally, the Seattle Mariners have quietly tallied up quite a history of pathetic baseball. Since their opening season in 1977, they have had 16 managerial changes and made the playoffs just four times. Even the Cubs have seen October more often. The Mariners have failed to win 70 games nine times and currently have only one player that could be identified outside Seattle. You know you stink when someone’s response to “Name the Seattle team” is “Starbucks.”

Yes, Ann Nixon Cooper has seen almost everything, and Obama is promising even more. But even Obama himself, golden oratory skills and all, couldn’t spin these abysmal franchises.


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