Stupid Human Tricks or Just Stupid Humans?

1. The All-Time ‘Oh, That’s Gotta’ Hurt’

We all laughed at Happy Gilmore as he ridiculously got pelted by 90 mile per hour fastballs in his efforts to toughen up for hockey season. In fact, we’re still laughing, we just can’t stop. This famous scene inspired a whole slew of popular telveision stunts in which people subjected themselves to pain for laughs.

MTV’s “Jackass” comes to mind. For the most part, people suffering extreme amounts of pain has always toed the fine line of hilarity and disgusting, and we here at OnFire almost always think this stuff is hilarious.

But even we felt squeamish at the situation of Lhyvann Felipe, an employee for the Sluggers batting cage, who was hit in his jewels by a pitch from a batting machine.

Felipe won a lawsuit for $1.2 million dollars for his sustained injuries — quite a sum of money and much higher than the $450,000 league minimum to play in the NHL.

Perhaps Happy should pursue this new passion instead. At the very least, he’d be able to get a job in television. Oh, how our country is falling apart.

2. Mean Girls Approved

The general stereotype of high school cheerleaders is that they can be a somewhat caddie. (Sorry to any of you out there who may have been part of your school’s squad). They’re the popular girls who ruin other girls’ lives. (I don’t know from personal experience, I actually went to a school that didn’t have cheerleaders, but I’m just assuming that all cheerleaders are like the people in “Mean Girls.”

But recently, some cheerleaders at a high school in El Paso, Texas took things a little too far. Members of the school’s cheer squad baked cookies to be distributed to their rival school’s cheerleaders. Except this time cheerleaders from one of the schools added a special ingredient — rat poison.

Apparently, exchanging gifts and pranks is a tradition among Texas high school cheerleading teams before football games. But the parents from Andress High School in El Paso see this as a little more than just a prank, and want the perpetrators to face criminal charges.

This wouldn’t really be that that funny, except the brownies were confiscated before anyone at them. And it’s pretty to funny to imagine these cheerleaders actually making these brownies.

3. Realizing the American Dream

First it was Monday Night Football; then, the league took a match-up overseas to the U.K. Now, in it’s seemingly endless efforts to give fanatic American football fans what they want — their favorite hard-hitting sport 24/7 — the NFL has made Thursday Night Football one of its corporate mantras.

And you know what, we love it.

Last week the Browns squared off against the Denver Broncos; last night, it was the Jets and the Pats. Each game has been pinned as an epic showdown worthy of the silver screen. Brett Favre was totted as the Luke Skywalker of the NFL — and the Patriots were the Stormtroopers. (And as if Mr. Lucas wrote the script himself, the Jets outplayed New England to a 34-31 victory.)

What we particularly like about Thursday Night Football is how it caters each game to the masses, feeding the American appetite for free content and ease of use. Each match-up is being broadcast online at — and absent of commercials to boot. It’s as American as America can get: What’s more U.S.A. than some 300-pound Jets fan feeding himself pork grinds in front of his company laptop watching the sport of all sports. And all for free!

It’s actually amazing how far we’ve come in recent years. Just think: At the beginning of the millennium Napster tried giving away music for free. And what happened? Metallica. That’s what happened, and now, no more free music.

And in front of your computer! Now you can watch the NFL on your iPhone and check your e-mail. It’s a businessperson’s dream, whose own American dream is wasting company overtime hours by watching the 8 p.m. showdown between AFC rivals.

Yes, America is a great place. A great place for the NFL and a great place for its loyal viewers. Before you know it, you won’t even have to actually attend a game.

Now wouldn’t that be great?

Check out the rest of the Thursday Night Football schedule here:


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