At Least He Didn’t Pee On Someone’s Floor

A Costly Fumble

Oftentimes, professionals in the sporting world do stupid things when drinking (as does pretty much everyone
else — sorry mom, I thought it was the toilet).

Just a quick recap of some notable bourbon-induced blunders: John Daly spent the night in jail after a long session pounding wings and beer at a North Carolina Hooters. Former Cincinnati Bearcat Head Coach Bob Huggins and St. Louis Cardinal manager Tony La Russa had to make an early curfew and sped out from the party a little too fast. DUIs ensued.

Honestly, those are pretty awful and sad, but with New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress, we feel nothing but animosity. Burress is most famous for catching the winning touchdown pass in last season’s Super Bowl against the New England Patriots.

But seriously, how stupid can a guy be? For those of you who may not know, Burress was at a nightclub with a gun “secured” in his waistband. After a few drinks, the gun slipped, and as he reached for it he pulled the trigger and shot himself in the leg. Let’s play that famous Kindergarten game “What doesn’t belong here?”

First thing: Burress is a celebrity in New York, why the hell did he need a gun when going out? He had multiple bodyguards bigger than that dude from “Kazaam.” (Just re-watched it; had to reference it). Also, it’s not like that’s a popular accessory or anything. It’s not one of Oprah’s favorite things for the year — After purchasing herCoverGirl LashBlast Mascara makeup, we only listen to Oprah.

Second thing: Why did he leave it unsecured in his waistband? Hasn’t he ever seen Yosemite Sam place it in his holster? Everyone knows that’s where it’s supposed to go. Besides, if it falls and someone attacks you, then what good is it anyways?

Third thing: Alcohol. We can’t even walk straight (however, we do dance well) when drinking, let alone aim at a moving target in a darkened club with hundreds of people around. Please, if anyone feels bad for Burress, then they’re just as stupid as he is. Honestly, we’re almost glad he shot himself, he could have done a lot worse. Enjoy your downtime, Plaxico.

That is, if you’re not about to get attacked in a place where you’ll need a gun: jail.

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