1. So Bad, They Are Even Affecting the Halftime Show
The Oklahoma City Thunder haven’t had a super season. They are an 11-37 team with the best player in history who no one has heard of — Kevin Durant. And although its rare for anything noteworthy to happen for the Thunder, the team did manage to make the headlines for a recent game against Detroit.
Seventeen thousand fans — we can’t believe that many people went to watch them either — attended the Thunder-Pistons matchup to see the magical Kristen Johnson escape handcuffs and a locked cage while immersed in water during the halftime show of the game. Except the only magical thing about it was how she didn’t die after passing out in the tank.
No, even we don’t find a woman passing out in a water tank and almost dying funny. Not in the least. But what is hilarious is the parallel between this story and that of the Thunder.
They, like Johnson, pretend to be something they’re not. In her case a magician, and in their case a professional basketball team. In addition, they both were pulled from a water cage. Johnson was pulled out by a safety guy and the Thunder pulled from rainy Seattle by owner Clay Bennett.
In the end, if you’re not 1,000 percent sure you can correctly perform a dangerous stunt, then you really should avoid doing it. Gambling with your own life just isn’t a safe thing. But, then again, if it was David Blaine, he would have passed out until next week and called it a new trick. You just never know.
2. These Guys Are Badass
It isn’t often that we have the opportunity to discuss any form of horse racing in these pages, but now’s our chance. Animal Planet has begun a television show entitled “Jockeys: Win or Die Trying.”
Although many of you out there in judgmental land may think of jockeys as short people with high squeaky voices or just plain animal cruelest who whip horses, you are sorely mistaken. Each race, these super dare-devil athletes, high on a natural adrenaline that Barry Bonds had to have artificially injected, race on 1,000 pound animals moving 40 miles per hour.
Sometimes, they even fall off, many times only to get right back up. Hell, I remember falling off my bike once in a soft dewy meadow and crying for three days. On top of that, these guys are jacked. Many lift multiple times their own body weight and have literally no body fat. No seriously, they starve themselves to make weight. Yes, it’s a grueling profession and yes this show is attempting to make them look cool.
But at the end of the day, no one can respect someone whose voice sounds like Alfalfa from the “Little Rascals.”
3. More Drunken Stupidity
And lightning has struck twice with horse racing. Although this is more related to drunks than anything else. Each year, the Preakness Stakes is run two weeks after the Kentucky Derby as the second leg in the Triple Crown. And each year, the Pimlico infield — a place where fans watch the Preakness — is filled with drunken fools who look to just have a good time while watching a Derby winner go for history.
But last year some fans had a little too fun and ruined the celebration for the rest of them. A drunken — duh — man attempted to jump from one port-o-potty to another.
The only problem being this one fan stumbled and fell to the ground. For his efforts, fans threw beer cans at the passed out — and possibly disheveled- man.
As punishment for this act, fans can no longer bring in their own beer for the event and will be charged $3.50 for a 16 ounce can. What a steal! At the Kentucky Derby, not only can we not bring in our own beer, but it costs $7 for a 12 ounce bottle. I guess Marylanders must have a stornger passion for their beer. That, or they are just cheap.
In Kentucky, we slam down $8 Mint Juleps filled with bourbon to really get our juices flowing, and we don’t even have people jumping of port-o-potie jumpers.
Just fat beer bellied rednecks whose reason for getting up each morning is to drink at Derby.