Since When Has Anyone Cared About Tact? Don’t You Watch VH1?

1. Vegetarians Don’t Do That With Their Food

In case you didn’t know, the Super Bowl — the National Football League’s championship game — will be played Sunday in Tampa between the Arizona Cardinals and Pittsburgh Steelers. Now, we at OnFire couldn’t care less about the contest and will not be watching (gotta get that 4.0, know what I mean?), but we are fans of those witty “super” commercials.

We remember blushing in embarrassment as Britney Spears — powered by her Pepsi — sensually teased millions in her famous commercials.

Apparently, though, since the commercial debuted, Britney herself has had way too much Pepsi, as can be seen by her weight gain and many children. Remember the sexual aspect part?

Then there are those “Terry Tate Office Linebacker” commercials in which a linebacker plays a strict disciplinarian who demands his employees remain efficient at all times or he sacks the hell out of them.

Now, what I deduce from these two memorable spots is that sex and over-the-top violence both contribute to a memorable and hilarious commercial.

This did not go ignored by PETA, who decided to try their luck with their own risqué ad. In it, scantily-clad women who would be more at home in a beer commercial are seen suggestively handling vegetables in the way that one might handle a sex toy. Then the tagline declares, “Vegetarians have better sex.”

Now, after viewing this commercial, we determined that those who banned the ad must be vegetarians who are bad at sex and don’t want to be further embarrassed if this truth came out. The trick is booze.

But seriously, how can ads be banned in this country anymore just because of sexually provocative content? People refer to sex in daytime and prime time television through euphemistic language — ever heard the word affair? — and on the Internet at all times. To quote a Britney favorite, people just aren’t that innocent anymore, and those who ban commercials like this should know that.

2. Everything Appears to Be Dumber in Texas as Well

Are we in an alternate universe? No, not because the Tampa Bay Lightning (that’s a hockey team) finally won a game. But because Dallas Academy, a school for students with learning disabilities, got clobbered in a game against the girl’s high school basketball team from Covenant School by a score of — wait for it — 100-0. That’s one hundred, to zero. And that’s not even the half of it. The losers are now on a media tour, recently showcased on “Good Morning America.”

Yeah, that’s a great message for all the young boys and girls out there: if you’re the biggest loser, you get the goods. Maybe the coach’ll get a book deal or even be a vice presidential nominee (good ‘ole Sarah proved anything is possible).

What we know for sure is that anything is better than the fate of the Covenant coach who was — get this — fired last Sunday. She “respectfully disagree[d]” with an apology sent by school administrators to Dallas Academy. But who can blame her? It’s part of a coach’s job to stick up for her players, and in this case, what was she supposed to do? Have them lose on purpose?
That’s ridiculous. No coach should ever have to tell her players not to play their best. Who’s really to blame is the idiot that scheduled them playing against each other in the first place.

So, next time you’re making the basketball schedule, mystery man, don’t have the handicapped school who has not won a single game in four seasons play the team that recently won the Christmas Classic.

And while we’re on the subject of nonsense in Texas, tight end Martellus Bennett was fined $22,000 by the Dallas Cowboys for posting a YouTube video, which was, of course, filled to the brim with profanity and derogatory language regarding blacks and homosexuals.

Apparently, he and his pal got together and filmed themselves rapping freestyle to 50 Cent’s “Get Money.” The video, sadly for curious sports fans, was removed from YouTube and replaced with an apology from Bennett himself. The tight end specifically blamed the media for blowing the issue out of proportion. Whoops.

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