We Went to a Fight and a Hockey Game Broke Out

1. Give Hulk the Oscar

For years, the WWE has been a beacon for entertainment. Millions yell obscene remarks at the glorified walking steroids that “wrestle” in the ring. Really though, we like it because what else is on TV these days? Keith Olbermann?

Anyway, Wrestlemania, the greatest sporting event ever (Sorry Cricket World Cup, the Hulkster is just more fun to watch than Aravinda de Silva), has decided to have Randy “The Ram” Robinson be part of the festivities. Never heard of him? That’s because he’s not real. It’s Mickey Rourke’s character from the movie “The Wrestler.”

OK Mickey, what the hell are you thinking? People were just beginning to respect you again. Critics raved about the movie, saying it was your comeback. In case you haven’t noticed, the “wrestlers” the WWE uses aren’t very good on the silver screen. They don’t transition well to the Hollywood frame. See “The Scorpion King” or “Mr. Nanny.”

People don’t go from actors to wrestlers, but the other way around. Besides, there’s a very good chance your opponent — Chris Jericho — will use his famous Walls of Jericho and break your back in half

He’s younger, more athletic and a real wrestler. Man, what a world we live in when Chris Jericho, the WWE star, is considered a real wrestler.

Rourke, I mean “The Ram,” will probably win. The WWE doesn’t want a lawsuit on their hands from his people. Plus, a title belt will go along nicely with his Academy Award.

That is, if he can body slam Benjamin Button for the award.

2. Oops, They Did it Again

What did you do this weekend? If you’re like most, or 99.9 percent of, Americans, you certainly didn’t watch the National Hockey League All-Star Game Sunday night.

The NHL All-Star game lacks viewers for a couple reasons (well, more than a couple, but we don’t have the time to go into them all.) First, no one watches the NHL regular season or Stanley Cup playoffs anyways, so it makes sense that no one would care about the All-Star game. Second, the game was on Versus (yes, that’s an actual channel). And finally, because it’s a big, fat joke. The final score of the game was 12-11, a more likely baseball score than that of hockey. None of the players play aggressively or act like they really care.

Now, we’re not advocating NHL players get all rough and tough and kill each other at the All-Star game, but that’s what would get the viewers the NHL so desperately craves. This is why it was a dumb move by NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman to institute a one-game suspension to any player who is invited the All-Star Game but refuses to play.

Why should the NHL penalize players who don’t want to play in the All-Star game be penalized when no one actually wants to watch them in the first place?

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