1. You Better Watch Your Mouth in the SEC, Kid
There are few things more hilarious than watching a proven mediocrity struggling with a job that’s over his head. Unless the mediocrity has a huge ego to go with it, that is.
Such is the reason why we feel no pity for newly minted University of Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin, who was plucked from Pete Carroll’s staff at USC (where he was the under-study to Steve Sarkisian, who was the understudy to Norm Chow — effectively making Kiffin the assistant to the assistant’s assistant) by the insane Al Davis to serve as head coach of the Oakland Raiders.
Even after bringing his father, famed defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, in from pro ball to baby-sit his undergraduates, Lane — who sounds like the pimply-faced kid from the Simpson’s, only overconfident — is still managing to make a mess of things.
First the 34-year-old Kiffin accused legendary Florida Coach Urban Meyer of illegally contacting a potential recruit. And while it certainly took guts to call out a senior SEC rival like that, it just looked plain ridiculous after the charges turned out to be categorically untrue. Kiffin was forced to issue an apology, in much more sedated tones then he issued the initial allegation.
Then, after being accused of violating recruiting rules himself by Gamecocks boss Steve Spurrier, Kiffin decided to call out another college football elder — the grandmother of a recruit who spurned his Volunteers.
For some reason, we can’t imagine Bear Bryant ever allowing himself to get outfoxed by an old woman. And if he did, he certainly didn’t publicize it.
So we look forward to watching the rest of Lane Kiffin’s tenure in the SEC, and will try to enjoy it while it lasts. Because something tells us that after Kiffin is eventually shown the door in Tennessee, we won’t be hearing from him again unless the XFL ends up making a comeback and is looking to fill some coaching vacancies.
2. Well, At Least She Didn’t Smoke Pot
We here at OnFire aren’t ones to discredit sports accomplishments — athletes usually take care of that themselves. (Steroids, anyone?) But we thought we should take the time to discuss Jennifer Figge, the first woman to (allegedly) swim across the Atlantic Ocean.
We’re not math geniuses, and we know you aren’t either, so here’s the long and short of it: Figge began her journey at the Cape Verde Islands off the coast of Africa and completed the trip at Trinidad, totaling about 2,500 miles. The entire voyage took her 24 days. So, if you divide the number of miles by the amount of days, you get about 104 miles a day. Then, if you figure that she swam about eight hours a day, she would’ve had to swim about 13 miles per hour each day.
Wait, 13 miles per hour for eight hours for 24 days? Is that really possible?!
No. Not at all. First of all, the world record for the 1,500-meter is 3.5 miles per hour, making Figge’s speed impossible.
Second of all, only on one of the 24 days, 19 of which she actually swam, did she spend eight hours in the water. One day she only spent only 21 minutes.
Third of all, her starting point, the Cape Verde Islands, is 500 miles off the African coast. Talk about a head start.
Additionally, to keep her energized during her swim, companions from the sailboat accompanying her would throw energy drinks to her in the water. We don’t even want to imagine how this could’ve been maneuvered. It takes talent to swim and drink Red Bull simultaneously.
So with all that in mind, how was it really possible?
Simple. It wasn’t. Sure, it is com-mendable that this 56-year-old woman jumped into the freezing Atlantic and swam more miles than we could even dream of, but saying she’s the first woman to swim the Atlantic? Well, that’s stretching the truth.
And if there’s one thing we’ve learned about stretching the truth, it’s that there’s no place for it in sports. Right, A-Rod?