The Lucky Zygot Club Has Its Newest Member

1. Charlie Woods’ Press Conference

Tiger Woods just had his first son, Charlie Axel Woods. Below is Charlie’s first press conference just minutes after his birth. This is how it went:

“Hello, world. My name is Charlie Axel Woods, and I’m a stud. Why am I a stud? It’s obvious. I’m the son of the greatest person — yes, person — on the planet today. Hell, I’m already the No. 1 hit for “Charlie Woods” on Google. Take that, Charlie Woods of Kitchener, Ontario.

“I’m going to be a great athlete, defined by an impeccable and unparalleled character and humbleness. I’ll be more popular with the ladies than the Fonz ever could have dreamt. Only this is real life, not some stupid television show. But if my life was a television show it would be called ‘Charles in Charge.’ Get it? Because my full name is Charles?

“Wait, what do you mean there’s already a show by that name?

“Anyway, my name is Charlie. Pretty ordinary. That’s just my pop’s way of keeping me grounded. But let’s face it, my mom is freakin’ hot. You know how many guys are going to want to come over just to meet her?

“Plus, I get half her genes, so God knows how hot I’m going to be. Look out, Manhattan billboards, I’ll be there soon enough. Oh, and in case I didn’t tell you, my dad is Tiger Woods so, you know, go to hell.

“Plus, when I’m at my high school prom, we ain’t riding in no 2025 Honda Civic. We’ll be rollin’ in on TWA — Tiger Woods Airlines. That’s right, I just made a joke, and you all just laughed because I’m funny.

“I’ll probably go to Stanford and just start my own fraternity called Chi Alpha Woods, where the only hazing ritual will be to try and beat me at, well, anything. Please — I’m Charlie Woods.

“Come to think of it, that name is going to hold me down pretty good. My dad’s name is Tiger. That’s pretty cool. Guess he never wanted to give up any spotlight.

“Guess I’ll just have to change it: ‘Messiah’ sounds just about right.”

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