More Woods Ranting

 1. Is this a fantasy?

Fantasy football has already taken the world by storm. ESPN devotes hours to covering it; competitors in leagues spend even more time analyzing all the ways to score points. But these fantasy managers don’t care who wins and loses as long as their guys come out on top.

We here at OnFire have been huge Santana “Call me Frantana” Moss fans for a long, long time. Many other owners may refuse to draft him, but we have had much success in our two seasons together. So, for us, yesterday was bittersweet because we, unlike our soulless friends, care about my team. We even babysit their kids.

Santana provided us with more than 30 — yes, 30— points, leading us to an inevitable win against our staunchest rival. Despite his amazing performance, however, his team, The Washington Redskins, lost to the Detroit Lions. Yes, those same Lions who haven’t won a game since December 2007.

Real fast, just to put that into perspective: In the last 22 months, Kurt Warner came back from the dead, Michael Phelps won eight gold medals, we have had two different champions in every major sport and “Saturday Night Live” actually got a little better.

The Redskins have hardly had a stellar year. To begin with, some Native Americans are protesting their team name as an offensive slur. How is it in a world with “Family Guy” that there are still suits like this? Did anyone see the last 45 episodes to air since the Lions last won?

With the loss, the Redskins fall to1-2, but have seemingly lost more than that. It could be argued that to lose on that day to the Lions is the worst NFL performance ever — excluding anything John Madden said as a commentator each and every week.

With the win, the Lions are now1-2, but are far far away from ever becoming a serious contender for anything other than last place in their division. They’re the Rocketmen of the NFL, it’s going to be a long, long time. Perhaps the funniest thing about their situation is that 40,000 fans went to see the game. It was recorded as one of the lowest turnouts in years.

Our question is how in the hell did 40,000 people have nothing better to do than watch such a miserable game? In fact, why did anyone even want to broadcast or cover the event? The game was more meaningless than a column on Division-III basketball. If you broadcast/write about it and no one sees/reads it, did it really happen?

But we digress. Detroit, with a $95 million payroll, finally gave some joy to its city. But we think there are probably much better ways to spend that sum then on a team that is 1-18 in its last 19 games.

Like, maybe buying a few cars. We hear the industry has been kind of soft lately.

2. A personal tale

Many who have ever read anything golf related in these pages is familiar with our disdain for Tiger Woods. Now, we’ll admit, for years much of our hatred was based in observation and secondhand anecdote. But now we have evidence that he’s a total douche bag.

Luckily, we scored some clubhouse entry tickets to East Lake for the Tour Championship. In there, we chatted it up with Stewart Cink, David Toms and had the chance to see our Albus Dumbledore — Phil Mickelson.

But all of the sudden, we were told to evacuate the premises because his holiness — Woods— was coming in. Apparently, his safety would be compromised if a 21-year-old who can’t bench half his weight would be in his vicinity. Fine, we left. But what’s worse is that Woods was the only player not to sign any autographs. Everyone else — except Toms who went inside to watch an amzing LSU game — signed everybody’s request.

Moral of the story, Woods sucks and now we have proof. Great, great day of investigative reporting.


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