Welcome to the first-ever Michael Jackson themed OnFire! Every headline is not only the title of one of his songs, but also my reaction to the story following it. Let’s begin with an obvious one.
What is it with people I like and weird skin issues? First there was Michael and his vitiligo that shocked the world more than his moonwalk. What was more shocking was see a white guy — him— dance like that later on. And now, another of my favorites, Sammy Sosa, who appears on my personal Mt. Rushmore of misfit idols — along with Michael, Rush Limbaugh and Mick Foley — has apparently undergone some weird skin rehab.
Let’s just say whoever worked on his skin was either A) way coked out of his mind or B) decided to he would like to have a legitimate reason to say one the greatest catch lines of all time — Steve Urkel’s “Did I do that?”
Sosa, a native of the Dominican Republic, has always had a darker skin tone. Recent pictures of him make him appear as white as PC guy and as scary as the “South Park” incarnation of Michael Jackson. In fact, the only thing scarier about Sosa was his ability to crush a fastball — something else that was medically caused (cough, cough).
Why did he decide to go through a rejuvenation process for his skin? Perhaps too much sun over the years harmed it and he wanted to look good for his upcoming tryout for “Dancing with the Stars.” HD television has changed the game.
Regardless of the reason, Sosa looks like a fool — and I thought only a curveball in the dirt could do to him.
Continuing with our Michael Jackson theme of this column with creepy, weird and strange activity, the above headline is straight from one of his better tracks off Invincible and also appropriately describes this next story.
Twenty-two-year-old Anthony Avalos had a nice high school basketball career but never managed to land an NCAA scholarship. So, at 22, he decided to re-enroll in high school — after already attaining a degree — to play some more hoops. He forged his birth certificate, enrolled as a junior and started to play some ball.
Beyond fooling the entire administration, he also fooled a 17-year-old co-ed who took a liking to the new young stud. He was like that cool new transfer kid who managed to scoop all the girls because he was new.
Never did he have anything cool to say or do, he just was the “new guy.” He would then proceed to swoop in, using this goodwill, and take all of the top girl prospects. Then, he’d talk about it in front of you until you burst and made a scene in the middle of the student lounge, leaving in a violent uproar and causing yourself a huge embarrassment. Damn you, Thor Steinhovden!
Eventually, the school caught onto the misspelling on his “birth certificate” and realized that Avalos wasn’t the age he claimed. Now, he has been charged with sexual misconduct — he took his fantasy a little too far. Always happens that way.
But look on the bright side, Anthony. To get an NCAA scholarship nowadays, you need to break almost every eligibility rule, so you’re cool, man.