No Worries. Help is on the Way.

1. Are you taking notes, Pittsburgh, Detroit, Kansas City and Congress?

Now, it isn’t every day that soccer appears in OnFire. Frankly, along with hockey, we care about it as much as Carrot Top apparently cares about his career and reputation. But in this particular instance, we had to take a little jab.

Last weekend, Wigan Athletic, a Barclays Premier League team, got shellacked by Tottonham Hotspur 9-1. Hotspur’s nine goals are the most in one game. Decidedly embarrassed, the Athletic — or unathletic in this case — have decided to refund all of the proceeds from the game and give their fans their money back.

Why anyone would pay to see a team that could lose that badly is beyond our level of comprehension. (Similar to the way we have no idea how the Detroit sports landscape still exists, but that’s another story.)

Anyway, it’s commendable that the team has made this gesture and we hope that fans repay it with continued support.

We give the Athletic two weeks to start playing better before we revoke that statement.

2. Walmart shouldn’t offer deals on white linens anymore

OK, so hatred exists in the world, especially in sports. Sometimes it’s funny and sometime’s it’s not. Note: everything in this column is an example of the former. Anyway, a few hood-lums decided to resurrect the dumbest tradition in this country — no, it’s not the Detroit Lions playing on Thanksgiving Day — donning of the white robes of the Ku Klux Klan.

A few individuals — clowns — decided to march on a library spewing hateful slurs because Ole Miss refuses to play the song “From Dixie With Love” anymore. Apparently, the South will not rise again as they had hoped, but they do not want to wake up to the reality.

Fortunately,the protesters were vehemently booed off stage after about 10 minutes. But that doesn’t mean that Ole Miss is doing everything right. They are in a state that ranks last in education. In fact, to help prove this point, when protesters were told the KKK was at the library, they promptly asked “what the hell is that” and continued drinking.

Bam, got you, state of Mississippi.

3. Is Dick Vitale writing blurbs for TV Guide?

In perhaps one of the most groundbreaking pieces of evidence to surface that proves the Duke conspiracy, TV Guide, when providing information about last weekend’s Celtic-Magic game, gave us this: “J.J. Redick and the Magic visit ex-Duke teammate Shelden Williams and the Celtics in a 2009 Eastern Conference semifinals rematch.”

Redick doesn’t start and Williams is the second lowest paid player on the team. In no way does the description accurately reflect the key points of this game, nor does it excite anyone outside the cess pool of pretentiousness that is Duke University. That description is so boring, even Robert Byrd, the 92-year-old senator from West Virginia who has fallen asleep during many a debate, called in and claimed that he thought it was a little too much.

Also, a description like that is similar to describing a movie such as “Pulp Fiction” by saying, “John Travolta provides a spellbinding performance as an anxious husband when two gangsters ask for towels to clean a little blood from their hands.”

Umm, yeah that misses the point too. Let’s leave the writing up to more qualified people, TV Guide.



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